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Graduating from an incredible college like Smith was a huge accomplishment for me, academically, personally, intellectually, financially. But the pressures of being a high-performing female (that phrase makes it sound like I'm super fertile, but I'm not changing it) don't end up with the commencement exercises, and I'm sure many of fellow high-pressure grads can relate to the following thoughts and comments.
My entire life I've been a high-achiever in everything I've ever done: I made volunteering a competitive event, worked an obscene number of hours through both high school and college to make money, beat my body and its hungers into submission, and of course, got amazing grades and praise from all of my teachers (I never did sports, however, thanks to being a chunky kid and hating the serious chub rub that came with being active). I did it all and made it look easy (hopefully), even as it felt like death. My slogan was "all I do is win" long before DJ Khaled came along.
And now that I've graduated, I feel like the pressure should've lessened a little. Grades are over! No more exams! I got my piece of paper with Latin on it!
And yet...it actually feels worse right now.
Everyone I run into asks what I'm doing with my life, and seems disappointed when I tell them. "Oh, really? I never saw you as a ______ (insert whatever noun you want there that's not good enough for your friends/family/pastor)," or "I always thought you'd work at the UN or something really impressive." Perhaps these comments are meant to be encouraging, like "Look how highly I think of you!" But what I hear is more like, "Why aren't you meeting the expectations that Everybody has for you while also being attractive and rich?" And I can only imagine that I'm not alone.
The feeling of all this insane pressure is helping me begin to understand why high-performing women "drop out" by getting hitched and having babies and becoming devoted moms and wives. Rest assured, I don't actually want to yet, but the ease of having a role to settle into instead of having to constantly question and assert and figure out what precisely it is that I want sounds a lot more relaxing than the exhaustion and terror I alternately feel.
But. A role is not what I want to fit into. Not deep down. I have a little more compassion for women who choose to step out of their demanding work positions in order to raise a family or whatnot, because this pressure is real and scary. But a role would be too: pressures and expectations are waiting right there for you, except with less guesswork about how to go about being the ideal mom or wife, since that's laid out for you in magazines like Parenting and Martha Stewart and such.
No matter what your position, chances are you'll never measure up to the perfect standard set before you because perfection is naturally unattainable and humans are so inherently flawed that our attempts at being otherwise are nearly always humorously thwarted by life. So I'm encouraging my fellow graduates: take a deep breath. Fuck the Everybody who tells you that you're not all you can be and you're disappointing. Do what feels right, and don't expect your first job to help you save the world, become famous all over, and be rich (if it does, please tell me your secret). But don't let yourself fall into something by sheer laziness or exhaustion: make as deliberate of choices as your financial situation will let you, and smile. These are the good times, and sometimes we (and by "we" I mean I) get so overwhelmed that we forget that.
Grads: do you feel this crazy pressure too from friends/strangers/family?
Established Adults: does it ever go away?
Much love,
The Sheriff
You are so not alone. This is all I've been getting lately. It's like they forget this shit takes time or that maybe my aspirations differ from theirs.
ReplyDeleteI graduated with my bachelor's degree nine years ago and my master's seven years ago. It DOES NOT GO AWAY. EVER. I'm kind of the black sheep of all my cousins since I didn't go into finance or medicine (it seems to be a general rule) but into media/communications instead. My parents are always commenting on how well my cousins are doing (all of the Hong Kong raised ones have Ivy League degrees. The Canadian cousins, including myself all went to the same very well-established and selective Canadian school) in their jobs (or in school - the ones in medicine are still studying). It's not that I'm *NOT* doing well. It's more that they don't quite understand what I do or why I love doing this more than finance (my undergrad is in the Liberal Arts, and even if I *HAD* majored in business, it would have been in marketing or communications, not finance). I'm wondering if it's because many Hong Kong baby boomers grew up poor. To them, media jobs pay less than finance. And media isn't really one of those "approved jobs" according to stereotypical Asian parents anyway. I think, though, as a female, I do have more leeway to do what I want. I have no doubt that had I been a guy, I would have been given more pressure to go into finance because that's what my dad does. At my last trip to Hong Kong, I found that almost all of my dad's friends' sons were in finance. The daughters' careers were more varied, with law taking the lead.
ReplyDeleteI'm starting grad school in the fall and for the summer I'm working as a nanny. Yes, I have a degree from Smith College and am entering a similarly prestigious university for graduate studies in a few months, but this is a fun, easy, considerably less-stressful way to make money than a super, intense, prestigious internship. Taking care of children is good and honest work, but I still find I have to constantly justify what I am choosing to do for this summer (seriously, the $$$ for a nanny is good in NYC). My friend, who is interning at a high-profile financial company this summer and I were talking about stress and jobs. I mentioned I don't understand much about the Wall Street world and she said "Well yeah, it's pretty different from *nannying*" It took a lot of self-restraint to keep from screaming "LISTEN, BITCH, I WENT TO SMITH".
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note, I don't think it's fair to say stay-at-home moms are "dropping out". Some women are fortunate enough to be able to choose to do this and it may be the best thing for them and their families. I don't think it compromises their potential or makes them less of a woman for choosing this.
It seems to depend a lot on your family and communities. I actually had the opposite reaction from a lot of the people in my home town. Finishing a bachelor's in only four years (from a small public college, not a Smith or an Ivy League school) and then going to live in Denver to work at a coffeeshop made me some kind of elitist in a lot of their eyes. At my 6-year high school reunion, after cheerfully telling people I was serving coffee for a living, I was told bitterly "At least you got out" and defensively "Well all I'm doing is coaching football in [next county over]." From their tone you would think that I had said I was walking the runway in Milan or something.
ReplyDeleteThen of course in some activist/social justice circles, having a degree from a prestigious school or having plans to go into business is seen as a detriment (rightly or wrongly): it's assumed that one is embracing their privileged status and willingly participating in a system that has unfairly given them opportunities while systematically denying others from having a decent life.
So, it seems that many people will judge you one way or the other, and the best thing is to accept advice only from those whose opinions you really trust. I know that my family truly has my best interest at heart and doesn't just want me to be rich, so I listen to them. My professors from undergrad know my abilities well and have a good idea of how our field actually operates, so I listen to them. I listen to those friends who spend their time fighting for the things I believe in.
There's not much you can do about your family's opinions, but hopefully as we grow older (and get out of the undergrad bubble) we find more like-minded people who care about what's best for us and not what will make the most money or carry the most impressive title. I think it's badass that you're doing Teach for America, and I don't think you should listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.