Since we're on the topic of consent anyway with General Lee's fucking AWESOME posts, I thought I'd write about something I've been milling over in my head for a while, and that's why we could all learn a few things from BDSM.
BDSM stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism (quite a mouthful, pun intended). It encompasses a whole spectrum of sexual activities and a very distinct subculture, ranging from light bondage and pinching and dirty talk to outright torture and rape fantasy. BDSM is mainly characterized by its focus on power play between tops (dominants) and bottoms (submissives). I experimented briefly with BDSM for a while, but stopped short before ever actually having sexual contact with the person; he wanted to dictate other aspects of my life, down to my panty choice, and as a feminist, I found that infuriating, not sexy.
Other feminists give BDSM a lot of flack, criticizing it for replicating the same power dynamics that we see in the real world (men dominating women) in the erotic bedroom context. Also, how could a practice that allows for the exploration of possibly torturing women and playing out rape fantasies possibly be positive for women?
Personally, I find the focus on strict consent in BDSM admirable. There are usually negotiations of boundaries long before sexual interaction occurs to suss out each person's comfort level, and the use of a safeword to know when it's time to stop or take a break if someone feels unsafe or uncomfortable in any way.
I love the idea of a safeword, especially since "no" is sometimes misinterpreted as "try harder" or as a person being coy. Having a per-determined word that both parties agree to respect represents a way to have more agency in one's sex life, to know that one's boundaries will be respected. Failure to honor the safeword is considered the most serious misconduct in BDSM, since it essentially at that point becomes sexual assault or even rape, depending on what exactly is transpiring after the revoking of consent. Such clearly defined parameters won't necessarily ensure amazing sex, but they will ensure that no one feels traumatized or scared or hurt afterward.
Also, for many survivors of rape and assault, this ability to play with power and manipulate a sexual encounter within predetermined boundaries is an extraordinarily powerful way to reclaim a sense of agency. Add in an enhanced understanding of consent, and I think BDSM has some serious knowledge to impart on mainstream sex and sexuality.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
As a feminist and an ardent practitioner of BDSM, I am incredibly happy to see this introductory and open-minded look at BDSM and it's feminist capabilities.
ReplyDeleteI find myself most concerned with your unfortunate experience with the lifestyle...I would like to suggest that this interference in other aspects of life can be an important source of discipline for those individuals, of any given gender, that it suits. But it can easily be a source of resentment, like your case, and basically a nonconsenual situation.
It is situations like this that I find most frustrating, because BDSM is often seen as a reaffirmation of existing power structures and I always wish to urge people exploring the lifestyle to find their own personal power, regardless of what role they wish to explore.
Doms need to remember that it is their responsibility to themselves, their sub(s), and their investment in good sex to be safe, respectful, and consensual in all things--that pre-discussion and consent is the first step. Introducing a new idea, like discipline and training outside the bedroom, are big topics and should be brought up with full disclosure and with respect and care for the sub who is willing to embrace it. It should never be half-explained or simply assigned to a sub without consent. This is not only disrespectful, but unsafe, as it could lead to future breaches in consent.
Subs need to remember their own personal and sexual power in these relationships, which are centered on the play with power and sex practice. A sub may be into humiliation, or may prefer to be a kept and treasured toy, but regardless of the manner of their submission, a sub wields incredible power of their own. Submission is not a part of pre-discussion, a sub is responsible to tell their Dom(s) the truth about preferences, desires, and any personal limits they may have. A limit is an act, idea, or situation that the sub is absolutely unwilling to explore.
I myself am a survivor of rape, so a limit for me, for example, would be rape fantasies. While I respect the desires of men and women around me, and I applaud their bravery for admitting to and embracing fantasies that society (and some puritanical feminists) find repulsive...those fantasies are just not for me. I would rather tease and beat a man until he cums in agony, or crawl around on my knees for a powerful woman, (or vice versa, or all at once, the more the merrier!). The beautiful thing about BDSM is that all your fantasies, desires, and play-times are up to the individual and what they wish to make of it.
Being cisgendered, female, and a switch (someone who likes to top and bottom) I have had experience with women who have topped me, men whom I have topped, and I have come to realize that I love BDSM so much precisely because it allows us to play with power in the bedroom, sometimes even with satire. It may come across as the "same old male dominance bullshit" but, like drag and other satire performances, I get to turn my sex practice into something that requires more thought and care than the patriarchal rape culture we live in cares to admit is possible.
Subs are powerful points of desire, thus allowed to both serve and be served, by the Doms responsible for their safety and well-fucked-ness. THe point being, the fluid and continual exchange of power in BDSM sex and broader BDSM lifestyle is not for everyone, but it can most certainly be a powerful feminist, pro-sex, pro-safety force against nonconsent.