Self Love

No, this isn't a post about masturbation, much as I love it. It's about confidence, body image, and loving yourself exactly as you are, and you can bet your sweet ass that this has a lot to do with sex and sexuality. This is a subject near and dear to my heart, so forgive me for making it personal at first, but I promise I will make a point; this ain't no Open Diary shit.

I was a fat kid. Not fat like, oh that's baby fat, but fat like hates the mile in gym class with a burning passion, double servings every night, butter all day every day (I was actually quite good at being a goalie in soccer in 2nd grade...but I hated running and sweating in practice so I quit and read books and talked to myself instead. I got into Smith and am mostly socially adjusted, so I win anyway! Fuck you, naturally athletic people!). It never really bugged me until I hit puberty a thousand years before everyone else. My fat shifted from my rotund stomach to my hips and tits, and you can bet everyone noticed. I got a lot of attention from men and quizzical stares changing in front of my flat-chested, pube-free friends at sleepovers, but it didn't change the fact that I was still fat.

At 12, I had my first (awful, non-consensual) sexual encounter. He called me fat, said I had a disgusting stomach. Almost immediately, I developed an eating disorder and lost over half my body weight over the course of two years. I'd fall asleep in class everyday because I stayed up all night pacing my room, trying to burn more calories and went off to school in the morning with a liter of Diet Coke and a handful of diet pills and Skittles. I spent my fifteenth birthday in a treatment facility (what up, Renfrew) and lost a month of school, as well as many friends who were terrified I would die. On the way back up to a healthy weight, I battled bulimia, and trust me, this was an ugly battle. I won't go into details to spare any of my treatment center alum who might read this (what up, Walden), but most of high school is a blur now looking back. All I remember are epic binges and purging purging purging, sometimes four times a day. It's miraculous I didn't die. Finally, I came to Smith College and removed from the toxic (to me) environment of my hometown, I finally recovered. I relapsed last semester, but feel emotionally and physically healthy for the first time in over a decade. I love my body most days of the week and I've even got some swagger.

But the craziest thing about all this? No matter how dangerously low my weight dipped, no matter what impossibly tiny clothes I wore, no matter that when I lay down on the floor when I had to pee you could see my bladder, I always always always felt fat.

In eating disorder treatment centers, they tell you over and over again: FAT IS NOT A FEELING. And they're right, it isn't. It's a convenient label that women (and not just those suffering from extreme eating disorders...and some men do this too) throw on to encompass feelings of being inadequate, of guilt, of shame, of never quite meeting the standard, of anxiety, of depression, of hopelessness.

When you feel like a fat girl, it has an enormous impact on your sexuality and your self image. You always feel shocked that anyone, let alone anyone moderately attractive, has an interest in sleeping with you. You feel like you should take whatever comes your way and put up with it, even if they cheat or they're emotionally abusive or if they just have bad B.O., because you're FAT and who else would ever want you? And fat chicks are always better at head, and frankly, sex in general despite our girth. Why? Because we have to be. We have to try harder, do more, take it deeper, be freakier to keep our lovers around because they could leave at anytime for a girl with less junk in the trunk. And sometimes, they leave anyway (for more on this, written much more eloquently than I ever could, check out "How Do You Fuck a Fat Woman?" by Kate Harding).

Are you mad yet? I hope you're mad. This used to be the way I felt about myself until about two months ago and even I'm pissed off that women are made to feel so inadequate. But what shifted in these last two months? What's changed that took me from always seeing myself as fat, less than (and also too much), and generally having zero confidence?


Self love.

That means being gentle with yourself above all else. Did you screw up an exam or say something awkward while trying to flirt? It's okay, everyone does! It doesn't make you less attractive, smart, funny, good of a person for one mistake. Accept that you did your best, AND you can do better.

Tell yourself you're awesome, hot, beautiful, curvy, skinny, gorgeous, smart, whatever you need to hear. External validation feels incredible, but you are the only consistent source of happiness in your own life. So be there for yourself, and cheesy as it is, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful everyday. IT WORKS.

Do something active most days of the week, not because it will make you lose weight or tone you up or flatten your abs or any of that bullshit. But because it will help you live longer and feel happier and, in moderation, is very positive for self esteem. And yes, dance parties count.

You might have to fake it till you make it (NOT your orgasms please!). As an experiment, I've tried walking around this semester with "swagger," if you will. Head up, good posture, a little natural swing in the hips, and a big smile when I make eye contact with people, even when I felt obese and wanted to hide. And ya know what? Compliments began POURING my way. I got asked out at least twice a week by stangers. Most importantly, I feel hotter now. And nothing, literally nothing, had otherwise changed in my appearance (I actually STOPPED going to the gym during this period). And now, I've got more confidence in my bedroom abilities than before and can focus on enjoying myself. So tell the negative voice inside your head to go fuck itself (probs pretty often) and turn your swag on, even if it's just pretend.

Do you find yourself thinking about how fat you must look in certain sexual positions or worrying that your partner notices your bacne/cellulite/stretch marks/birth mark (mine, btw, is white markings framing my vag. No lie. Sign from God that I was to have amazing sex?)? Here's the secret: they'll be so thrilled they're having sex with you, they won't notice. And if they do notice, it won't matter, because they'll be focusing on your hot tits or soft skin or beautiful eyes. To get out of your head and into the sensual gorgeous feelings, try doing some mindfulness in your daily life or in bed. Shift your focus to the feel of their hands on your body or the sound of their breath (this has the added bonus of making you more in tune with what's happening and thus more aware of your likes/dislikes AND more turned on. Mindfulness rocks!). Focusing on the moment gets you out of your own anxieties and more connected to the experience you're having.

Check out the body image myths you tell yourself. Are you a perfectionist? Do you think your looks outweigh all the other facets of your personality? For me, I constantly compared myself to other women to see how I sized up. It honestly got pretty vicious; I'd visit Beefcake at his school, which is mostly full of bratty Philadelphia Main Line/New Jersey daddy's girls who get spray tans and wear Uggs with sweatpants. But rather than being nice or trying to get to know them, out of my own anxiety, I'd say the nastiest things about them to Beefcake as soon as we walked into any party, the cafeteria, whatever. Is it really because I hate Uggs and orange skin that much? Both are pretty atrocious, but no. It's because I was insecure. And until I tackled that insecurity, I let these women reduce me down to nothing but a catty judgmental cunt. But now? They wouldn't bother me one bit. I'm hot in my own way, and they can be their own Jersey version of hot, and it doesn't matter because it's not a competition. As Baz Luhrmann said, "Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind,
the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself."

For more info on loving yourself, check out these awesome links!
http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-practice-major-mega-supreme-body-love-daily
http://galadarling.com/article/empty-bellies-do-not-beget-genius
http://www.alreadypretty.com/2010/04/tenets-of-self-care.html

Much love (and apologies for the length of this post!),
The Albright Sheriff