buttsecks lol

I should really be wrapping up my paper about America's cognitive dissonance regarding the equalization of funding for schools. But no, I'ma write about anal here instead.

When I was younger, anal seemed just incomprehensible to me. Why would you want to do something that would be inherently painful, why would a guy want to place his precious manhood inside an asshole, what kind of woman would have so little respect for herself as to do something like that?

But in my ripe old age, I began to question these assumptions, slowly. I won't lie: I watch a lot of porn, and even the most bland, hetero-normative porn out there usually features at least one scene of anal (though they usually call it something much nastier, like "Dirt Pipe Milkshakes." No, I did not make that up. For more LOL-worthy titles, http://www.cracked.com/article_15830_15-most-sexually-unappealing-porn-titles.html). I consider myself a very open person, willing to try new things and began thinking about it (this is not always a positive attribute). And seeing something like that performed over and over again makes one wonder.

So Beefcake and I tried anal. This was a mistake.

Practically anyone who has met Beefcake knows that he has what one guy friend of mine referred to as a "donkey cock." The man is seriously hung, a fact that is not lost on him. He has never been accused of modesty: he is the type who walks proudly (no, he doesn't walk...he struts) around without a towel in the locker room.

Despite obviously knowing this, we didn't really bother with much penetration (just some rimming which was surprisingly enjoyable...expand your horizions!) before just trying to shove all of his very big self into my very little self. After less than a minute of biting my lip in pain, I had to ask him to stop. I walked around for the next few days a little oddly, being very careful before sitting down. UNPLEASANT, to say the least.

Unfortunately, the image we're presented in porn goes something like this: man spits on blonde white chick with implant's asshole, shoves his cock (without a condom!) inside her, and she's coming within seconds. Of course, her asshole is hairless, she seems to be in no pain, and there certainly is no evidence of fecal matter afterwards.

I did some research into this: female porn stars get paid $900-1500 for anal scenes, versus $400-1200 for straight sex scenes. They perform enemas on themselves (ew) before doing the scene and avoid eating beforehand to make sure things don't get messy. There's usually a lot of behind-the-scenes-lubing going on to make it somewhat more comfortable for her (male readers, please remember: spit is not enough lube for anal sex. It just ain't. And even if it was, ask before you spit on someone--it can be very degrading).

All that being said...if anal sounds like something you want to try, I'd recommend the following:

• Lots of lube
• Shaving might make it more sensitive
• GO SLOWLY
• Be sure it's with someone who will respect you and communicate well with you
• Breathe deeply and try to relax
  
• Be able to laugh at yourself in case something goes disastrously wrong
• ...maybe buy cheap sheets, in case said disaster occurs

Happy experimenting!
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff