As a gender non-normative person, I have had interesting experiences with consent. Let me note at the beginning of this that I often put those faults of consent both to myself for not communicating enough as well as to the other person for not asking enough, and a great deal to the general issue of what the media has taught us to believe about sex and consent.
Really, anything involving sex involves consent – and the question of sex, considering my last post, is a grey area. I don’t think you should worry whether holding hands counts as a sexual act to your partner (then again, lesbians do love hands…) but communication, as always, is key.
In the context of feminism (and life in general, I might argue), communication and consent are absolutely necessary. Yet, where do we find consent? How do we know it’s consent without just up and popping the awkward question “so, do you want to, uh…”
Well, kids, I have thought about this question long and hard (that’s what she said) and have come to conclusion that knowing you have full consent does, in fact, require you talk to the other person. I know, I know, it’s awkward. Talking about sex with someone you’re about to/planning to/would like to have sex with is never going to be the easiest thing, but it is so fucking essential.
Just think about the alternative. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to be a sex offender. No one wants to be that awful, traumatic experience you had. No one wants to have an awful experience. As far as I can tell, everyone who wants to be having sex would like to be having good (if not mindblowingly awesome) sex all the time. But in order to have that good sex, we need to communicate. There’s no other way around it. And although checking in mid or post act is a good practice to get into, it should not be your only tactic.
I had already had been sexually active for three (relatively active) years before a partner ever stopped to ask me “is this ok?” prior to performing an act. Now, granted, she was the first sexual partner I ever had with whom I directly disclosed my gender status, but she still gets a damn gold star for both effort and consideration.
Getting caught in the heat of the moment is a nice dream, but sex does not always happen that way, and I’d hope that even with the heat, you might have had a conversation previously or be able to stop the other person if things don’t feel right. All you need is a basic “hey, give me a second” before either changing tactics or saying “I actually don’t like being touched there” or “I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet, what else can we do?”
Consent is a huge topic. You can’t just have a quick conversation that consists of
partner 1:“Wanna fuck?”
partner 2:“Sounds great!”
partner 1& partner 2 (unison): “Let’s go!”
But consent is also something that requires you to know yourself – not just your partner. I, myself, am a big supporter of masturbation. It’s a great way to explore your comfort levels and sexuality without the bother of communicating it to someone else, especially if you haven’t figured it out yet. If you can feel sexy all by yourself, awesome! If it requires some erotica, some vibrations, a little pictorial stimulation, go for it! Hell, if cyber sex is what you need (might I suggest chatroulette, if your turn on happens to be mutual masturbation with some random dude), then why not? My point here is that finding out how to stimulate yourself while physically alone, learning what you want out of sex, is just about essential to having good sex.
For some people, having good sex is just a loner activity. Food for thought: In lesbian culture, primarily, there is such a thing as a “stone butch”. The stone butch is a woman whose primary sexual goal is to get her partner off - this means that she receives pleasure from the pleasure of her partner. Some stone butches pleasure their partners and then pleasure themselves alone later. Some stone butches pleasure their partners and get pleasure from some indirect stimulation, from the partner, theirself, their environment, what-have-you.
The point of this short lesson is not to send you off rushing to be a stone butch (unless it’s who you are and then, hey, have a great time!), but instead to understand, again, how many kinds of sex there are, how many different sexual expressions people have, and that good sex can and should involve accommodation to all parties comforts, desires and needs.
Over and out,
General Lee
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