A few nights ago, my Albright Sex Fairies and I were watching American Pie (yes, we have high-falutin' taste in movies...and yes, my posts might involve them for the next few days but bear with me). For those who have lived under a rock since 1999, the film centers around four high school boys who make a pact to lose their virginity by their graduation and of course, ridiculous hilarity ensues (to this film we owe the word "MILF," a necessary contribution to our lexicon. To what else should women of maturity aim but to be a MILF? ...perhaps a successful career or a fulfilling life? But I digress).
Between giggling over the fact that it was, looking back now with our college sex knowledge, a pretty accurate portrayal of high school boys, I got moderately annoyed with one of the female characters, Vicky (played by the always classy and sophisticated Tara Reid). Vicky is absolutely convinced that her first time with her boyfriend, Kevin (played by some dude who has starred in nothing of consequence since American Pie), should be totally, completely, relentlessly perfect.
First of all, first time sex (whether your first time EVER or simply your first time with that individual) is never perfect. It's messy and moderately awkward as sweaty unfamiliar bodies come together in all sorts of contortions (and make all sorts of sounds...). It's a recipe for disaster. It's amazing, given all the things that can go wrong, that anyone has the desire to come back for more. Furthermore, it's unfair to put the burden of perfect sex, let alone a perfect first time, on the other person. "Perfect" sex does not exist, because sex is as individualized as the people having it. The sex I love (the wilder/harder/deeper, the better) is another woman's hell. To try to standardize something as organically unique (which, admittedly, my beloved porn does) and make it "perfect" in a one size fits all package is impossible.
The idea of perfect sex (heterosexual, the female cums fast and often, they both cum in unison as he finishes while calling out each others' names) ruins what could be perfectly satisfactory sex because people take their legitimately enjoyable experiences and tarnish them by constantly comparing them to a false ideal. Ladies: Do you take forever to cum? FANTASTIC. Do you only get off in certain positions? AWESOME. Do you have no interest at all in cum shots? DELIGHTFUL. Men: Do you have a hard time with endurance? BEAUTIFUL. Do you want your partner to touch your anus? WONDERFUL. Is your dick maybe just a little bit short? INCREDIBLE. Whatever you're working with and whatever you want (as long as it's consensual and doesn't involve animals/children) is absolutely spectacular and exactly what it should be.
Second of all, nobody is perfect. We've been sold this idea by advertising companies and corporations that perfection exists and is attainable...if you're white/blonde/rich/tan/thin/toned. And if not, don't worry! There's a product that'll take you damn close.
But no one, no one, is perfect. To expect their appearance or personality or body to be perfect is absolutely ridiculous and fruitless. Perfection is BORING. It's always the same. I'm not fabulous because I've got huge tits or blonde hair; I'm fabulous because I'm short but sassy and I've got big hips and I belch freely and I write this insane blog about my sexual exploits for you fine people. People don't love perfection; they love quirks and unique facets of your personality and body.
Don't be like Vicky. Please know this: The sex you are having is good enough. YOU are good enough. And if the sex isn't everything you want it to be, do something about it! That's part of being a sexually empowered person, knowing simultaneously that what you're doing is perfectly fine and can always be improved. But do it in a a way that feels appropriate and pleasurable to YOU, not what you think you should do. No one needs to know what goes on behind closed doors, except you and your partner. So fuck the expectations of bland standardized perfection and make your sex amazing and personalized.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
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