Last night after work, I was attempting to relax while mindlessly flipping through this month's Marie Claire (in my defense, sometimes they write good pieces about international women's issues! But they also published a piece by Lori Gottileb, author of Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, a moderately horrifying book). I came across a fact in their article on birth control that literally made me gasp.
By age 30, almost 90 percent of a woman's eggs are done. By 40, a full 97 percent have disappeared (according to a January study from University of St. Andrews and Edinburgh University in Scotland).
I just felt the first tick of my biological clock. Immediately I began to worry: 30?! I've only got nine years! What if I wind up totally infertile? What if I can never participate in birth? Or motherhood? Sure, I could adopt. But what if I miss my chance?
It's a testament to the strength of the myth that motherhood completes a woman that an avowed feminist who might not even want kids such as myself (in my senior yearbook blurb, I wrote "I plan to be fabulous, take over the world, find someone I love waking up next to everyday, and not have babies." Seriously) still feels these socially-induced knee jerk reactions to facts like that.
What bothers me about the way motherhood is perceived is that it's not really seen as a choice. Sure, you could choose to not have kids. But what's wrong with you? Couldn't find anyone to knock you up? Or are you just that selfish? I've heard all of these and more when I tell people I don't think I want kids (or I'll have at least four. Ask me why sometime, I have a rational reason). I think my favorite one is the total dismissal of my desire to perhaps not have kids as illegitimate: "Oh, you'll change your mind." Really? When? After I get bombarded with more media reports on how my fertility is fast disappearing and how much harder birth will be on my older body (because we all know more mature women aren't good for anything since they've lost their sex appeal!). It's disgusting.
And if you do choose to have children, you'll only face tons of articles and studies about how you're doing it wrong, with the myth of "perfect" motherhood glimmering in the distance just beyond your sleep-deprived, over-worked and under-appreciated reach. Stay-at-home mom? You will be judged for not "doing it all," or will be assumed to have given up your dreams (or if you're a woman of color, you'll be cast as a "welfare queen"). Work outside the home? Obviously, you're neglecting your kids and they'll begin to resent you as soon as you put them into daycare. And if you dare to out-earn your male partner (you do have a male partner, don't you? Side note break from the sarcasm: this makes me deeply happy!), you're emasculating hubby and rendering him impotent and that can't be good for the baby. And it is about the baby after all, isn't it?
All these are (slightly exaggerated) social attitudes women face about children, and they're sexist. Plain and simple. Men who choose not to have children or marry are sexy independent bachelors; women who do so are selfish or bitches or spinsters or old maids. Why? Because social attitudes are usually shaped by middle class straight white dudes, people who (whether they mean to or know it or not) are deeply invested in maintaining rigid gender roles. What better way to do that than to make women feel incomplete for not producing (and having the gall to not want to produce) a child?
I know this post is snarkier than mine usually are (I am not demeaning motherhood, let me make that clear. I have enormous respect for any and all mothers. I love my mama!). And I think that's just because I was so blown away and MAD by how instantly I (someone who spends a good deal of her time criticizing the Man and society and sexism and whatnot) bought into this idea of motherhood being a woman's supreme life achievement. And it bothered me all day long. In the back of my head is the Greek chorus wailing about motherhood and lost chances and fertility when I'm only 21. That's sad. So call people on their bullshit when you can. Your choices are just as valid as anyone else's, as long as they're true to what you want.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
I find that there is a very pervasive perception that a woman who doesn't buy into the nuclear heterosexual family (husband and kids) is bound to wind up alone and without purpose later in life. Even I start feeling like this sometimes--and then I remember that if I DON'T have kids, I won't need to sacrifice my own interests to their well-being. This is not to say that there aren't lots of highly fulfilled mothers who maintain other connections, but having children always means giving up something. I know that my own mother spent many years with little to no time to herself and drifted away from most of her friends because she was so invested in the family. I am eternally grateful for the time and love she gave me; however, that's not the life that I want for myself. I would rather have lots of friends, a fulfilling career, and the option of moving on (relatively) easily when a relationship stops working. It's a great feeling to be able to make this choice--we can thank our mothers and our grandmothers for that!
ReplyDeleteif you find yourself totally freaked about your biological clock rendering you infertile, my great grandmother, gaga (the original), WENT THROUGH MENOPAUSE and had a whoops baby at 50 something. my great aunt grew up with my mom and her two older sisters- she's 5 years older than my mom and two years older than my oldest aunt...
ReplyDeleteso, for a little just chill out and stop worrying about what society's throwing at you time, remember- your body is uniquely yours and fabulous.