Lately most of my posts have veered toward the serious in topic, which is great and all (I've been reading the ten books about sex and feminism that I bought on Amazon...perhaps that's an influence?), but a little lighthearted, sex-advicey piece feels more appropriate today.
So children, let's talk about threesomes.
Threesomes can range from the sublime (pleasure from all angles!) to the ridiculously awkward (one man rubbing another man's cum into my back as if it were nice massage oil!). They allow you a safe space (ideally) to act out a fantasy, to please two people at once or to be pampered by two people at once (which is possibly the most incredible thing I've ever experienced, save for Herrel's chocolate whip cream). Group sex was likely what convinced Beefcake to give a relationship a try, that not all relationships were suffocatingly close and sexually dull (it didn't hurt that it involved an Eastern European girl, I'm sure). They give you a sense of validation (TWO people want me? AWESOME!) but if your heart's not in it and you're doing it more for your partner, you risk feeling even worse afterward.
Unfortunately, for women, threesomes are becoming more de riguer than strange experimental sex act (while I don't think they're as common as, say, missionary position, they're no longer relegated to freaky things that you should be ashamed of, though it is interpreted as an indication of a certain sexual permissiveness and adventurous attitude). And that's fantastic if it's something you'd like to explore. But if it's not, and you're only trying it for your partner and to satisfy their fantasies, the whole experience could be uncomfortable and feel like you're being pressured into something. In the performance vs pleasure dichotomy, you choose performance to make the other person happy, even if it means a queasy stomach during the whole process. A threesome shouldn't be seen as a gift for just the man or just one person; it should be about all of you enjoying yourselves. It's similar to all of those (ridiculous, repetitive, downright STUPID) articles in Cosmo and the like touting "50 New Ways to Please Your Man!" Who said I was with a man? And Cosmo, what about my pleasure?
There is ample pleasure to be had in a threesome if it is something you actually want to do. If you're just doing it for someone else and have no real desire to indulge in it, you might surprise yourself and find it to be a turn on...or you might hate it. The most important thing with threesomes (and all sex, honestly) is to know what you like. Sometimes, this can only be found through experimentation, but if the very idea of something makes you feel like you wanna vom, perhaps it's best to keep that relegated to your partner's fantasies and to focus on something that both turns you on and gives you a sense of sexual empowerment of knowing what you enjoy and how to get it.
You also need to be able to communicate what you like. No one can read your mind (although maybe I should try fucking a psychic before I make that allegation); use your words, you're a big girl! Tell them what you want, or at the very least, guide their hand, tongue, vibrator, whatever, to where you want it to be. This is especially important with threesomes, where you're most likely to suffer simply from over stimulation (not literally, most of the time), because there's two people to attend to and your own enjoyment can get lost in the mix.
It's also important to take stock of how you feel about yourself, especially if you're bringing another woman into the bedroom. Do you have low self-esteem? Do you feel self-conscious naked? Do you constantly compare your appearance to that of other women to see how you rank? If any of those questions ring a bell for you, it might be best to not necessarily seek out the "hottest" woman to join you in bed, but to find someone you genuinely feel comfortable around. It can also be nice to have someone new who touches you as if you're a goddess, especially if you've been a relationship for a long time and that sense of "OMG I'm so lucky this person wants to be naked around me" fades. If they make you feel gorgeous and relaxed, the experience will be that much more pleasurable and you can focus on how good it feels instead of wondering if they noticed your stretch marks or stomach fat or [insert female body insecurity here].
And of course, be safe. But that's a fucking no brainer, right guys? Condoms aren't expensive, but a baby or living with herpes certainly would be.
Much love,
The Albright Sheriff
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