Monogamous sex is exciting too OR Why My Relationship is Awesome!

Before I start on my own rant, I just want to acknowledge the writers who have already contributed to this awesome, empowering blog. I especially want to commend the Sheriff, who I believe has done an amazing job keeping it active, lively and playful (necessary qualities in both blogs and healthy sex lives). I want to write a blog post about monogamous sex and being in love. Hmm. Kind of boring after some of the previous posts discussing sexist attitudes toward female sexuality, VCH piercings and the like, no? Maybe not, when you consider that some of the best sex I’ve had has been quite recent, and with my long distance boyfriend, with whom I’ve been having sporadic but wonderful sex (when we’re in the same place at the same time) since November.

I want to preface this post with the disclaimer that I am not a serial monogamist by any means. I’ve been sexually active for about four years plus a bit and only on the bookends was the sex I was having encompassed within a monogamous relationship. I’ve had one night stands I regret, one night stands that turned into two or three night stands that I fully enjoyed, a two-week-long no-strings-attached booty call, random sex with people I’ve known a really long time that I never expected would happen, sex with women and group sex with a gay man (another post for another day). And, perhaps surprisingly, I have still managed to come through all of these encounters feeling like I still have a lot to learn about sex and my sexuality.

This leads me to discussing my current situation, a situation that I have never found myself in before: I’m with someone right now that I love so deeply that I can’t really imagine wanting to have sex with anyone else. That doesn’t mean I’m never sexually attracted to other men (it happened once a couple of months ago and it kind of freaked me out), it just means that I am emotionally and physically fulfilled enough by the relationship I’m in right now to forego any kind of panic or anxiety about being devoted to one person indefinitely. This situation has resulted in a number of sexual and emotional revelations for me, as I grow, change and develop into my adult sexual self.

1.Being in a relationship, and specifically a long distance relationship, puts my mind at ease and allows me to focus on my own individual growth, while formulating an understanding of what that personal development means in terms of my relationship. Because I don’t get to be with him all the time, I have to find other things to fulfill me in my day-to-day life, but knowing we both love each other and that I will see him soon puts my mind and sexual consciousness at ease. In other words, I’m not constantly distracted by the hunt for casual sexual satisfaction or male attention.

2.Sexually speaking, I feel like I can take my time. When in the middle of a one night stand, there is a pressure for me (not necessarily put on me by my partner, more likely by myself) to make sexual progress, to do something exciting, and, ok I’ll say it, to come out of the evening having achieved (at least one) female orgasm. When I’m with my current lover, I don’t feel that same pressure to get everything done in one go. The shortness of our visits does help me appreciate every moment we spend together, and of course, every moment we spend in bed together, but the knowledge that this isn’t the last time helps me relax and enjoy sex, regardless of the outcome. Rather than being product-oriented, my sexual relationship with Ginger is process-oriented; I don’t necessarily have to have an orgasm to feel physically satisfied (and then, sometimes, I have three in a row, which is good too).

3.Communication between Ginger and me is a risk free endeavor. Because I am confident that my needs, both sexual and emotional, are important to my partner, and that he will hear them and respond to them without judgment, I don’t ever have to calculate the way I express them. Clarity and honesty are key here. In casual situations, when trying to express that all a girl wants (see Librarian’s post) is casual sex and stimulating (sex) and conversation, it can feel necessary to go to ridiculous lengths not to sound needy, clingy, stalker-y etc… when at the end of the day what it comes down to is craving a good shag! With Ginger, saying exactly what I want, when I want it, whether it’s sexual or not, garners results, usually pretty immediately. Also, feeling like I can trust the person I’m asking, and not having to be embarrassed for wanting anything, allows me to ask straight up and get what I want right away, no games, which I love.

Now that I’ve written this post, it’s feeling a bit like Fornicating Feminists has just provided me a vehicle for bragging about how great my relationship is. That’s not really what I’m trying to do. Despite the immense satisfaction and happiness being with Ginger gives me, things aren’t perfect. There are always ups and downs, insecurities, sexual malfunctions that result in embarrassing conversations or impromptu field-trips to London’s free health clinic, etc… but those are the things that for me, within the context of a committed relationship, make it so easy to feel good about continual excitement and endless potential in our future sexual interactions. There is no limit to what we can do with (and to) each other, and that freedom is refreshing. For me, being in a committed relationship has helped me realize that I’m allowed to make mistakes, to be awkward, and to blatantly ask to be spanked every once in a while without fear of judgment or discomfort.

More on the sexual adventures I embark on in the future and enlightening trysts of the past, to come! Onward, Albright sex fairies, and congratulations on a cheeky, sexy, informed, fun and entertaining blog!

Love,
Venus de Milo