On the subject of misconceptions, self-love, and all the rest of it…

Hi all,

I’m a new poster, but not a new contributor to the conversation that all women (and men!) do and should have, with themselves and with each other, on the subject of sex, body image, and personal relationships in general.

I’ve been rocked about on the rough seas of romance, more than some and much less than others. More importantly, I’ve been lucky enough to have a lot of great support from kind, intelligent people. Some advice has been more valuable than others – for instance, I think if I actually made a “Vision Board” to help me accomplish my goal of sleeping with Robert Downey Jr. or Gael García Bernal, I would not be empowered, I would just be a stalker.

The less stalker-y version of this I do appreciate, and this blog post is going to be my first public, “balls to the wall” (what up, Albright Sheriff”) effort to put it out there and hold myself accountable for believing that I deserve it, with the hope that it will encourage other people to do the same. It’s fun. Also, I don’t really know how to talk about it without just saying what I want, because I have NO interest in telling other people what they should want (that would go against my philosophy of Choice with a capital C… more on that later).

A very wise, kind person recently told me to make a list of all the things I look for in a potential partner – no matter how small or nit-picky it seems, if it’s important to me, it goes on the list, because as the Albright Sheriff says, we have this pesky tendency to settle… and then what we settle for, to “see how it goes,” sticks around for two years and even more emotional trauma.

Here’s my set of “standards,” pre-this semester. I fondly and somewhat irreligiously refer to them as the Five Pillars.

- Not abusive
- Not a drug addict
- Has a home
- Is in school and/or has a job
- Calls you back

You wouldn’t think this would be a difficult combination to come across, and yet….


Now, I am thoroughly enjoying my independence in every sense of the word, and don’t even feel the need to formulate what I would like in an actual life partner, because I have no interest in finding that right now. Here is what I do want right now, and I’m much happier to take nothing if I can’t have it. Here it is… and it might be a revelation to some guys, because it absolutely does not fit into the Madonna/Whore standard. Newsflash: we do not all want you to put a ring on it. And that doesn’t make us sluts.


I would be open to a relationship if the right person were to come along, but I am absolutely not seeking one. I tried the one-night-stand thing once or twice, and have no regrets, but for me, sex has a lot to do with the personal connection. Unlike many other people, I think, I like to talk a lot with my partner, even if they are only my partner for one night, and I’m not talking about discussing my sexual preferences. I’m interested in human connection, however brief, and for me sex is a culmination of the fact that I have passed a nice evening with someone and gotten to know something about them, and we seem compatible in some way – not marriage material, just something in common, something that “clicks” for the evening. This isn’t dangerous so long as it’s clear that it is one night only. Dangerous territory opens up when they imply that they want to see you again; you get excited about meeting someone half-way decent, and then they, too, turn out to have been feeding you lines.

The moral of this story is that one night isn’t ideal; it isn’t very satisfying for me. Right now, I want someone who wants to spend time with me on a relatively consistent basis. Likes me, doesn’t need to be in love with me. Likes the fact that I’m quirky and a little awkward and talk too much when I’m nervous (or just all the time, as evidenced by this post). Someone to text to break up the tedium of the day with a little flirtatious banter, and that doesn’t think this means I’m trying to trap them into a full-blown relationship. I want good, fun sex, and good conversation. I like to cuddle.

Strangely, this has been singularly difficult to come across, but as I said before, I’d rather have nothing if I can’t have it. Nothing means no drama, no heartache, no anxiety. Maybe a little loneliness or self-doubt, and certainly some sexual frustration, but I have my friends to cuddle with me and tell me I’m beautiful, and the negatives of unhealthy sex or sex with someone I’m not comfortable with vastly outweigh the benefits.

Lots of love,
The Librarian