If you’re looking for this to be an instructional manual, I suggest you invest in some erotica or learn more about the position and function of the “clitoris”. As a queer female-bodied person, I get a lot of interesting questions – both on Smith campus and off. For instance, last summer while partying at a friend’s house in Virginia I had a long conversation with a boy (he may have been over 18, but this was certainly no man) who drunkenly persisted his view that “lesbians don’t exist”. Oh yeah? Look deeply into my queer fucking face and tell me so.
It has been a common misconception I’ve come up against that women just can’t do sex without a man. In fact, from my personal experience, women have lots of incredible sex together, and very often. For arguments like this, I am not wholly against The L Word because, hell, at least we see some women with sexual agency! (The L Word does have a lot of problematic things about it –that conversation is a whole other post).
A gay male friend in high school used to infuriate me with his invalidations, saying that all lesbian sex could ever amount to was “really good foreplay”. His assumption roots pretty directly out of phallocentrism, or the idea that without a penis, it can’t be sex. This might seem silly, but think about it – most socially accepted concepts of sex involve some form of penetration. Even despite the orgasmic possibilities (and frankly, pleasure based function) of the clitoris, if you walk into a sex shop – even a woman-friendly sex shop – you are most likely going to see a predominance of dildos and other phallic toys.
Yet women can, and often do, have sex often without the participation of some phallic or penetrative object. This is not to say that penetration is something unheard of in queer community, it is just that it is certainly not the only form that stimulation can take. Oral sex, nipple play, and fingering are just a few of the alternatives to penetrative sex. As a female bodied (but not entirely woman-identified) queer person, penetration is more emotionally charged for me than other forms of sex – it is good to know that in order to get off, get close to another body or have a nice relaxing moment with myself, I don’t have to always delve into significantly deeper realms of gender and trust than I might feel comfortable doing at the time.
With this blog post, I just want to make the point that sex is sex. When you look into sexual communities and sexual activities less regulated by popular media, you’ll find that the definition of sex is blurred and less obvious than if you are discussing heterosexual penetrative sex. This might be an issue of value systems being created around the procreative act, but whatever it is, I think it is important to note that any sexual interaction can be seen as sex. As it is usually defined in lesbian community, if you think you are having sex with someone, you are. This means that communication is something that absolutely cannot be overlooked.
I believe that communication is essential no matter what when it comes to sex, so let this post act as a reminder. Whoever your partner is, whatever you happen to be doing together, make sure it is an action of mutual respect and communication, so that they’ll know what you want, when you want it, and what you want from the experience. This mutual respect means accepting what sex is to different people and making sure that both you and your partner are comfortable with the sex you’re having, while also enjoying that sex.
Over and out,
General Lee
As a woman who has had non-penetrative sex with men in the past, I really like this idea and wording: "As it is usually defined in lesbian community, if you think you are having sex with someone, you are." This is something that I think men (of any sexuality) need to learn. An issue I also continually find tied up in the whole lesbian sex discussion is that of virginity; ie, if a woman has not been penetrated by a penis, is she still a virgin?
ReplyDeleteUtter poppycock, of course, since virginity is a cultural lie perpetuated to control women,* but worth noting. If one feels as though they are having sex, they are having sex. If one feels as though one has "lost" their virginity (if they want to believe in virginity in the first place), then they have lost it. Sex should be defined by the individual, rather than the society.
*A really great book for anyone interested in the history of virginity is Virginity: The Untouched History, by Hanne Blank.
- Rhian
I love this. So well said!
ReplyDelete--The albright sheriff
good post, and i don't disagree with you on most of your points, but isn't fingering penetration, even though it's not with a penis?
ReplyDeletefingering does not necessarily mean penetration. Although penetration can occur with fingers, you can also use your hands to stimulate the clitoris and other erogenous zones.
ReplyDeleteGeneral Lee