I started reading this book this week called "Gender and Sexual Agency: How Young People Make Choices about Sex" by a professor at University of Colorado, Colorado Springs. She conducted 83 interviews with people aged 18-23 about their sex lives, chose interviews that were "representative," and published the results. Her whole thing is that the way people define their gender becomes reflected in their sex lives. Example: girls who define feminity as passive and submissive and not sexual, their actions reflect that. Overall, I agree with the professor's analysis but reading the interviews cause major problems. (I don't know if her sample is accurate, but my problem is that their are definitely people in the world who think like this)
Now I'm going to quote from her book:
Juan, a Mexican-American kid, has chosen to remain abstinent b/c he wants sex to be special. His friends are mostly man-whores and he says this about the girls that they try to get with: "If he was really pushy, I know the girl won't go [upstairs with him]. I've seen it done. It's like they [women] can tell something's going to happen. Some guys act really sweet and childish and really nice, around them, but then they try and get them upstairs and they really change."
Qui, a Vietnamese-American kid, has also chosen to remain a virgin b/c of his religious views. "Good" Christians don't bang before marriage and sex is a gift from God to produce children. (If sex is a gift, then it is meant to be ENJOYED.)
He says: "there's a few women in my door and they're very sexually active, and they can just do it with whoever."
Also, he says that he "would probably stop." If a girl asked him while they were hooking up. "Because of, I think that's the right thing to do if she didn't want it. But, then again, I could another guy coming up to mth and saying, 'No, but if she started, then I guess she did want it. But I guess I would argue that she would have the right to change her mind, but then again, I don't know."
Maya, a Mexican-American kid, is also a virgin b/c she doesn't want to get pregnant and have her bf leave her (uh...Wrap it up???)
She says that girls at parties "aren't doing it of their own will. [going upstairs] They are just like 'I guess.' Not really, 'Let's go' more like 'Ok, find, I guess, why not." Later, " Idon't think that the girls want to have sex. Bedcause they know, 'oh I shouldn't because of this and this."
All of these interviews highlight a different point of the problem: Denying female sexual agency. Maya is the worst because she thinks that a woman never wants just sex and only goes "upstairs" in hopes of also getting into a relationship. I say: BULLSHIT and STOP denying my sexuality. When I bring a boy upstairs (which is usually the case, not the other way around), I am in full control of that situation and WANT it to happen. I am not looking for a relationship, just casual sex. That does not make me a slut. The problem is that our society denies female sexuality, so then women think that they have to pretend not to want to go upstairs unless they want to be labelled a slut.
I do plan on trying to email the author, ask why she chose so many virgins and tell her about this blog. It just pains me to read these interviews and think to myself "oh Goodness, people ACTUALLY do think this way."
Lots of Love,
Lady Lola
If Maya has never seen a women dragging her partners upstairs - enthusiastically consenting all the way - then why on earth would she want to participate? If her only experiences with sex make it seem like just something you do and not something you enjoy, she's wise to stay away while she's in that environment. She needs somewhere safer - and more fun! - to learn about her sexuality.
ReplyDeleteI do agree that our society sucks when it denies female sexuality. It shouldn't be dangerous for young women to express a desire for pleasure and sex. However, what if these young women really are 'eh, whatever' about going upstairs? I do know that there is a sad reality out there where 'eh, whatever' is either true or covering up coerced sex. After all, if Maya WAS right and no woman wanted to have sex (at least not the ones she knows at those parties), then it's twenty times worse than having a woman enjoy it and lie about it.
But - how can you blame a denial of your sexuality on 'kids' who have chosen - a choice that exercises their right to decide when, where, and who - to be virgins when having sex seems to kind of suck or is at odds with their religious beliefs? The choice to NOT have sex can be just as empowering as the choice to seek enjoyable sexual experiences.
Colorado Springs is very Christian and very conservative (Focus on the Family is based there, for example). I'd be surprised if that wasn't largely responsible for her findings, assuming she conducted the interviews on campus.
ReplyDeleteI don't think we need to feel like our sexuality is undermined or denied by others expressing their own observations, experiences, and preferences, particularly young college students, who are for the most part pretty inexperienced with life in general. Knowing Colorado Springs, I'd imagine some of the girls Maya is talking about probably come from pretty sheltered homes and may or may not fully consider what they're doing. A lot of young women have the experience of guys pushing them into sex, and if one comes from a subculture that doesn't talk about sex except to condemn it (outside of marriage), I'd imagine it would be hard to exercise agency one way or the other (to refuse unwanted advances or to be willing to initiate). Yes, these people very possibly would call you a slut. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.
I agree that people have a right to express themselves and determine their own sexual behavior. (I'm totally all for it.) I have a problem when people start judging others using their own values and moral code as the standard to live by (this will get you into heaven and this will send you to hell). Creating one standard is the root of sexism, classism, racism, etc because it creates a mentality of either you're like me and good, or not and bad. If someone tells me that they are a virgin, I'll probably ask them why, but I honestly try not to judge their life choices (although I don't always succeed), unless they start judging my life choices. Then, I think that I can question their choices.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that a lot of girls experience unwanted sex in some way during their lifetime. However, I would argue that it comes from the same place as girls not being able to voice their sexual desires. Not being able to say "yes" is the same situation as not being able (or no one listening) to you saying "no." In addition to men thinking that they can control and dominate women, our culture lacks "enthusiastic consent" (the Albright Sheriff has some awesome posts about consent). Some boys (unfortunately) still think that when a girl says "no" she really means "yes" because they don't expect her to say "yes." A girl that says "yes" doesn't respect herself.
Lady Lola