I'm hot.

When I first came to Smith, I had had three sexual experiences, none of them positive. At thirteen I was groped on a subway, and then later that year I was repeatedly and violently sexually assaulted (he liked to use objects to violate me). Then monotonous, unsatisfying sex with my ex, I’ll call him Kimpchi. Needless to say, I am not a very sexual person. I don’t like sex. I’m not particularly good at sex.

Kimpchi and I dated for almost four years, and regularly fucked. He really wasn’t a good guy and he almost always made me feel horrible about my weight, especially during sex. Not cool. (He’s an asshole.) I’m not a very “sexy” person, but when I finally broke up with him I figured, what the hell, I’m single. I’m going to have fun. So I have been, and each and every time I’ve “had fun,” it’s been pretty fucking fabulous. These guys want me. (We could talk about how slutty it is to have self-validating sex, but I digress.)

Yeah, I’ve been hooking up a lot. (Maybe not really that much, but it seems like a lot.) I guess that’s difficult at a women’s college. But it’s perfectly fine, because I’m a sexually liberated woman. I bang who I want, when I want, how I want. They haven’t all been perfect, but fun and beneficial indeed. Each and every time I’ve been naked with these totally random dudes, I haven’t been self conscious.

Just to give you an idea of how self conscious and modest I am, I don’t wear bikinis, I don’t wear tank tops, I don’t even change in front of my friends. Wait, I didn’t wear bikinis. I didn’t get naked whenever. Now, I feel so empowered not only by sexual expeditions, but also by my environment and friends, that I get naked. Whenever, whatever. For this revelation I give a lot of credit to my hookups. These random dudes didn’t stop in the middle of fucking to tell me how bad my stomach looked, or how I could use some creams for my stretch marks, they told me how hot I am. How they loved my ass and my laugh. These guys, some whose names I don’t even know, have made me feel great about myself.

Recently I visited my friend at a small school near Columbus. It was one of the most interesting and eye opening college visits I’d ever had. I’ve been to a lot of schools, but never had I been somewhere quite like this. (For another post. Blond bimbos? Sorority idiots? Greek life?) Nowhere can compare to Smith. As planned, I hooked up with someone. In fact, I went, I conquered, I left. I’m easily manipulated, but up until this point, had been able to remain in control of my hookup situations. For the first time, I couldn’t tell whether or not I had been. Kimpchi manipulated me regularly, and I only ever caught on after the fact. This past hookup, I couldn’t tell who was in charge. But was it still empowering? Fuck yeah. I am bound only by my own rules.

I’m hot. I don’t need a hookup to tell me that. Before March, I was a really very different person. I would’ve never said that I’m hot. I’m hot. I love saying it, it helps me to believe it. Whatever, the combination of hookups and Smith College have made me an empowered woman. Hookups maybe only carry more weight because of the things that I have learned at Smith? I’m certainly surrounded by flawless group of women.

My hookups have been key to my own personal development. They have made me a much more confident, beautiful person. I treasure each and every experience that I have had because they have made me stronger. Even more importantly, they have made me more confident in myself, my body, and the power that I have over myself and others. Shit happens. You gotta make the best of it. You gotta stay in control, have fun, and play the field.

Sorry for the rambling, biography, whatever. I love Smith College, hooking up (no matter how bad I am at it), and all my amazing Albrighters!

Love love love,

Baby