Most women who have a bond with her hairdresser find their conversations usually revolving around a single thing: relationships. Hairdressers have long known that allowing people to gush or vent undeterred about their love lives is one of the best ways to garner trust, tips, and loyal customers. And this is an instance where I am no different from most women.
About a year ago, I'd spent much of my appointment gushing over my then-boyfriend and as I was admiring my gorgeous post blowout hair, the stylist said something that made me freeze: "I feel like you'll be showing me your engagement ring the next time you come in!" Now, did I disabuse her of her notions about women and marriage, or did I shut up? I settled for the smile and giggle option, but it left a queasy feeling in my stomach.
I am an optimistic person. I tend to see the best in people. So why my hesitance about marriage (note: I only analyze hetero marriage here because that what there’s a decent body of research about)?
There are the obvious factors, like the American divorce rate, hovering around 50%. There is also my family's marital history, with a divorce rate around 85%. Every adult has been in at least one failed marriage or soured relationship with a baby daddy. This creates a healthy distrust in me of the institution (though I do love me some weddings).
But there's more to it then just simple statistics.
This little tale sums up some of it well: An ancient Indian yogi long ago was known for her wailing and crying at weddings. She didn't cry out of joy, but rather out of sadness, knowing that these two formerly independent young people were forever tying all of their hopes, dreams, and ambitions to one other person, a recipe for failure and unhappiness and a lack of fulfillment. The weight of that burden is simply a crushing thing to put on another person. Also, it’s blatant bullshit. I, and every single human on this planet, am a complete person. I am flawed, but I do not need a legal bond to another equally flawed individual to somehow fill the gaps. Because I have no gaps, bitches (and neither do you!).
And furthermore, I do believe that women have more of this propensity to put their dreams into a partner, to believe that it will make them complete somehow. Whether this is because of conditioning (cough DISNEY cough) or inherent biology (...nah), it's very real. Little girls are taught to dream about their wedding day, when they get to be the princess, to feel chosen.
But this is not a worthy trade off, this feeling of being wanted by one person forever. I'm going to take a passage from Elizabeth Gilbert's book Committed to flesh this out a bit (italics her words, parenthesis mine):
If you are a man, the smartest decision you can possibly make for yourself--assuming you would like to lead a long, happy, healthy, prosperous existence--is to get married. (She then lists the ways men benefit: they live longer, accumulate more wealth, excel at their careers above, less likely to die a violent death, less likely to suffer from alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression then single men).
Dishearteningly, the reverse is not true. Married women in America do not fare better inlife than their single counterparts. (They live shorter lives, take a 7% pay cut on average, are significantly less healthy, do not thrive in their careers as much, more likely to be depressed, and most frighteningly, are more likely to die a violent death, usually at the hands of their husband!).
All this adds up to what puzzled sociologists call the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance"--a tidy name for an almost freakishly doleful conclusion: that women generally lose in the exchange of marriage vows, while men win big.
But the inertia of tradition is strong, and it’s difficult to resist the cultural tide pushing women towards settling down and feeling “complete.” I already have several companions and friends from high school who have tied the knot or soon will. And if you want to get married for your own reasons, by all means, go ahead. I am not critiquing your individual choice; rather, I take issue with an institution that we perpetuate strongly through cultural norms and encouragement that is blatantly bad for an entire half of the people participating in it!
Much love and frustration with cultural institutions,
The Albright Sheriff
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ReplyDeleteWith issues like these, I find it best to look at the prospect of marriage not in the traditional sense, or the way the institution has been established in contemporary Western society, but rather to create my own idealistic definition, a definition to strive for in my own pursuit of fulfillment in myself and in my relationship/future relationships: the idea of marrying someone for me isn't about becoming somehow more whole, but learning to make some sacrifices in order to gain a strong, fulfilling, committed relationship. I don't mean sacrifices in terms of changing my own values, giving up things I care about or putting all of my focus on my partner. In fact, the sacrifice of sharing life's journey with someone else, having to negotiate emotionally, to learn to understand completely the way another whole, vibrant, unique human being thinks, acts and moves through the world, should ideally be, for me, an experience of growth, both in myself as an individual and as a couple in my relationship. My individuality should not by compromised by a marriage, but rather challenged and expanded to its full potential.
ReplyDeleteI did a study of the legal status and history of marriage this year. The MN property statutes still refer to coverture, or the traditional practice of subsuming a woman's public and financial identity under the control of her husband, making them "one person" in the eyes of the law. Coverture has been ended with explicit legislation, but references to it live on. It was frequently brought up in the early 90s by those who opposed defining marital rape as a crime. Also, read some judicial opinions on court cases grappling with homosexuality and marriage. It is terrifying.
ReplyDeleteOkay one more take because I just read ebrown2's comment too. I share your desire to be able to create my own take on marriage, and think it is useful on a social scale. Yet I still find this approach problematic, because marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. It is the only type of contract you cannot alter. And embedded within the legal ramifications of that contract are very old-fashioned ideas about gender roles.
ReplyDeleteWhich makes me sad, because I think released from some of those ramifications marriage could serve the very fulfilling and expansive influences you highlight. My professor for the class I studied this in contemplated that she believes marriages may be heading more in this direction, and some theorists have proposed that legalizing gay marriage would do a lot for complicating the law. So hey, there is hope!
I feel this way, but mostly about the idea of having children. And how I have been told how exciting it will be for my mother/grandmother/uncle/niece/cat when I have children. They fucking plan it. I mean, I have a wedding fund (a wedding fund), what is that about? That I can handle. But not the pressure to have children. Because I think it is what I am supposed to and it is expected.
ReplyDeleteIn one way, it seems so romantic and wonderful. But mostly for those who watch.
That is why going to a wedding is so god damn fun. Same with seeing someone's children.